Worship Anyway

Your fortnightly 1-2-3: Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Tension Point

“I want to worship, but I’m hurting. What if I don’t feel like worshipping? Is it dishonest to praise when I’m struggling?”

Talking Point 

Worship was never meant to depend on how we feel. It’s not a performance or a reward for good times. It’s a response to the unchanging truth of who God is—His holiness, His worthiness, His goodness—even when our circumstances seem to say otherwise.

That’s why Scripture calls it a sacrifice of praise. Because sometimes it costs us—when our hearts are heavy, when the healing hasn’t come, when the breakthrough feels far away.

The most powerful worship often rises not from celebration, but from surrender.

Acts 16 tells us about Paul and Silas. After being beaten and imprisoned for doing God’s will, they lifted their voices in prayer and praise. Not because they felt great. Not because they saw a way out. But because they knew who God is. That kind of worship—despite the pain—opened heaven’s response. The earth shook, the chains fell, and everyone around them witnessed freedom.

Worship shifts things. It may not always change what’s happening around us, but it can profoundly change what’s happening within us. Gratitude and praise lift our eyes from the weight of the moment to the One who holds it all.

Truth to Ponder 

We don’t worship because life is good - we worship because God is good.
When life hurts, here’s how to offer Him praise anyway:

  • Acknowledge the pain.
    God doesn’t ask you to fake it—He can handle your honesty.

  • Remember who He is.
    His worth doesn’t change with our situation.

  • Choose the sacrifice.
    Worship costs something—but that’s what makes it meaningful.

  • Let your praise lead your perspective.
    Magnifying God helps put everything else in context.

  • Don’t wait to feel it.
    Feelings may follow, but faith often acts first.

Psalm 54:6 says:
“I will sacrifice a freewill offering to you; I will praise your name, Lord, for it is good.”

Worship isn’t about pretending everything is fine. It’s about choosing to honour God because He is worthy, not because life is easy. And in doing so, we often find that while He doesn’t always remove the pain, He transforms our perspective within it.


Faith & Passion

Does your passion feel quiet? Don’t panic. This may be a holy pause, not a problem to fix.

Your fortnightly 1-2-3: Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Tension Point

"I used to feel driven by passion and purpose, but lately... I just feel drained. Is there something wrong with me, or is this part of the journey?”

Talking Point 

Think of passion as a wild stallion, like the one in the header image. Passion will lend you his speed, jump you over obstacles, elevate your perspective and help you rally others around your cause. But like any stallion, Passion needs reins to ride it safely. Without reins, he will trample over flowers you’re meant to protect, race past landscape you’re supposed to enjoy and land you way off course before you even know it. Without reins (or without reign!) Passion will eventually drain you.

Yet, passion is a gift from God. It helps us move forward, gives us energy for our purpose, and fuels deep joy in serving. But it was never meant to be our master. Passion isn’t always about doing more. It’s not about galloping into every storm or pushing harder when your soul is tired. It’s about knowing what matters—and letting that truth lead.

Passion needs tending. Jesus lived with deep, unwavering passion. But even He retreated often to quiet places to pray, to rest, and to reconnect with the Father. Passion doesn’t thrive on pressure—it grows through presence.

If your passion feels dim right now, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. It may simply be resting, waiting, or healing. And that’s okay. Passion isn’t just for mountaintops—it’s for the valleys too. In fact, some of the deepest, most lasting callings are forged not in noise and fire, but in silence and surrender.

Truth to Ponder 

When your passion feels quiet, don’t panic. This may be a holy pause, not a problem to fix. Here's how to make peace with the season you're in:

  • Name your need. Is it rest? Renewal? Clarity? God isn’t asking you to fake energy you don’t have. He meets you with kindness.

  • Let go of pressure. Passion isn’t about performance—it’s about alignment. Let yourself breathe.

  • Stay near the Source. Draw close to the One who kindled your passion in the first place. Sometimes the flame returns in a whisper.

  • Pay attention to small sparks. A conversation, a scripture, a quiet stirring—God often rekindles the fire gently.

  • Trust the process. Seasons of stillness can deepen the roots of your calling more than constant motion ever could.
     

Want to go a bit deeper on this subject?

Talk some time to reflect on this passage and consider what God might be trying to say to you:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.
Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG)


Love your neighbour... as yourself

Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Tension Point

"I’m great at being there for everyone else—but when it comes to me, I feel drained, critical, or just…disconnected. Is it selfish to focus on myself?”

Talking Point 

We were created for connection—deep, meaningful relationships that enrich our lives and ground us in love. But there’s one relationship that often gets overlooked: the one you have with you.

Loving others well begins with learning to love yourself well. Not in a self-centred or egotistic way, but in the way you would treat someone you love—with kindness, patience, grace, and care. If you’re going to spend every minute of every day with someone… wouldn’t it be wise to make peace with them?

Being a good friend to yourself starts with:

  • Knowing yourself – your likes, dislikes, values, and strengths. Personality tools like 16personalities.com can offer helpful insight.

  • Speaking kindly to yourself – check your self-talk. Would you say that to someone you love?

  • Enjoying your own company – pursue hobbies, explore joy, make time for what lights you up.

  • Caring for yourself like you would a friend – rest, nourish, move, recover. You matter too.

This is not indulgence - it’s wisdom. Even Jesus said, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” That command assumes you know how to love you. When you constantly give without receiving - even from yourself - you run dry. But when you nurture a healthy inner life, you give from a place of fullness, not depletion.

Truth to Ponder 

The greatest gift you can give those around you is a healthy you. Ask yourself:

  • Am I treating myself like someone I’m called to love?

  • Would I want my children or friends to treat themselves the way I treat myself?

  • Do I need to pause, replenish, and reconnect with who I really am?

At Mercy UK, we believe that wholeness flows from a strong relationship with God, with yourself, and with others. That’s why we created Keys to Freedom —a powerful discipleship resource designed to help you discover how to live in truth, freedom, and healthy connection.

Because when you flourish, everyone around you benefits too.


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Faith & Boundaries

Faith & Boundaries

Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Written by Arianna Walker

Tension Point

“I often feel exhausted and stretched thin, giving away all my resources—time, love, energy or attention to others in need. But I feel like generosity is a good thing- is it unChristian to hold something back?”

Talking Point 

Near my house, there’s an apple tree heavy with the sweetest, juiciest apples imaginable. It stands behind a high wall, clearly marking what’s private and what’s public. Apples that grow beyond the wall onto the path are free to anyone who can pick them – and they do! But if someone climbed over that wall to take apples from the other side, though the same tree, it would be trespassing and theft.

That wall represents a boundary. It protects, defines ownership, and creates order. Our personal boundaries function exactly the same way: clearly marking what is ours—our time, affection, resources, and choices.

When we do not put boundaries around our resources they get depleted by others' demands, and we can end up exhausted, overwhelmed or empty. Jesus modeled healthy boundaries. He gave deeply but deliberately. He reserved special time for the twelve disciples and even closer relationships, creating clear separation from the crowd’s endless needs. He didn’t feel guilty when people walked away with unmet needs. He operated from clarity, obedience, and purpose—not from overwhelming demand.

Boundaries aren’t selfish; they're essential. They protect what is precious, enabling us to steward our resources wisely, intentionally, and joyfully.

Truth to Ponder 

You don’t have to give everything to everyone. Setting healthy boundaries actually multiplies your fruitfulness and effectiveness. Here’s how to begin:

  • Clarify Your Fruit. Recognise what resources—time, energy, love, wisdom—you have available. Identify what you’re willing to freely share and with whom.  

  • Build Your Wall. Clearly communicate your boundaries. Let people know what's available and what isn't. It’s kindness, not rejection, to make your limits known.

  • Prioritise Purposefully. Follow Jesus’ example—invest deeply in relationships and activities that align with your calling and values.

  • Say No Positively. Practice the power of a gracious, confident ‘no.’ Saying no isn’t a reflection of inadequacy but clarity of purpose.

  • Enjoy the Fruit. Intentionally set aside time for replenishment and joy. Boundaries enable you to thrive, not just survive.
     

Boundaries help you give generously without losing yourself. When built intentionally, they free you to live wholeheartedly, faithfully stewarding every gift God has given.


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Faith & the Power of Pause

Top Tips for Binge Eating Recovery from Marie

* Tastelife is a UK Charity helping young people understand eating disorders and how to prevent them, within the context of faith in God *

Question: Do you have any practical advice for recovering from Binge Eating Disorder?

I want to start by saying that I understand where you're coming from, as I'm someone who's struggled with Compulsive Overeating for most of my adult life, and I continue to walk my journey of recovery one day at a time.

I hope the tips and information I share below will be helpful to you, alongside all the good content and support you’re receiving through the tastelife Recovery Course.

Just to note that what I’m sharing comes from my own personal experience and what I’ve learned through being part of tastelife. This isn’t official advice from tastelifeUK, but rather what’s helped me personally and might help you too. Here are your three questions below, and my responses.

1. Do you have any examples of baby steps for someone who binge eats/overeats? e.g reducing the number of binges? Or reducing the amount involved in a binge?

The key to combating binges, for me, has been learning to identify why they’re happening and what’s led up to that moment. If I’m completely honest, once the urge takes hold, it can feel almost impossible not to binge. That’s why I now put most of my time and energy into avoiding the binge in the first place.

These days, when I feel the early signs of an urge or compulsion, I try to pause, even just for a few minutes, to sit quietly and really listen to what’s going on inside me.

I ask myself questions like:

  • Am I anxious about a phone call I need to make or an email I’ve been putting off?

  • Has something a family member said or done upset me?

  • Am I feeling low?

  • Have I forgotten to take my antidepressants?

Once I’ve identified what’s actually going on, I can usually figure out some small action points or practical steps to help deal with it. Even if I can’t fully resolve the issue, just acknowledging it and doing something about it often makes the urge to binge disappear or shrink significantly.

But when I ignore those underlying things—and they build up through the day—and then I’m tired and it’s 10 pm… that’s when I find myself binging.

That’s where the real work is, not just with the food, but with what’s driving the need for it.

2. How do small steps progress to becoming recovered? Is there a time for how long this can take?

This is such a good question, and the honest answer is: there’s no set timeframe for recovery. Everyone’s journey is unique.

During the 8-session Recovery Course, we celebrate every single step towards recovery, no matter how small, because we believe in meeting people where they are. But once you get the hang of them, you’ll likely find yourself taking more and more steps without even realising it.

How long that takes varies hugely and depends on things like:

  • Your personality and character traits

  • How determined or ready you are to change

  • How long you’ve been struggling

  • The support systems you have in place

  • Life circumstances, health, and other individual factors

I’ve seen people make amazing progress within a year of doing the Recovery Course, and well on their way to full recovery.

Others may still be at the beginning stages, and that’s okay. Also, it’s really important to say this: relapse is a part of recovery. It doesn’t mean failure. It’s a sign that there’s more to explore and that it may be time to revisit some of the basics.

The key is learning how to pick yourself up, be kind to yourself, and keep going. So with all of that in mind, no, I can’t say how long recovery takes. But I do know that every small step counts, and the journey is always worth taking.

3. What does a recovered over-eater/binge eater’s life look like then and now? Do they still binge & overeat? Is it considered a failure if they still get the urge to binge? Do they still have food and celebrate with it, i.e. at Christmas/birthdays, or do they stay abstinent?

At tastelife, we truly believe in and have seen full recovery. That includes physical, mental, and spiritual recovery. For someone who has reached this stage, it can almost become hard to remember what it was really like to live with an eating disorder. The tools and techniques learned along the way become a natural part of their lifestyle. Thinking, feeling, and behaving in new ways means they’re not regularly placing themselves in situations where they’re tempted to binge or overeat.

In many ways, a recovered binge eater’s life starts to look like anyone else's, a ‘normal’ life, free from the grip of disordered eating.

That means:

  • Yes, they celebrate with food, like anyone might at Christmas, birthdays, or on holiday.

  • Yes, they might eat a little more during those times, and then naturally return to a more balanced rhythm afterwards.

  • And yes, they may eat less at other times—when feeling unwell, in hot weather, or during busier seasons of life—just like someone without an eating disorder would.

But here's the important caveat:
Even in full recovery, there’s often a lasting self-awareness. A recognition that, in times of stress, sadness, or crisis, the old coping mechanisms may try to resurface. For example, if someone has been well for years but then experiences a sudden and deeply upsetting bereavement, it's good practice for them to remain mindful. They may need to revisit the techniques that helped them recover in the first place.

It’s a bit like any other physical or mental vulnerability:

  • Someone with asthma may take extra precautions during flu season.

  • Someone with dental issues won’t miss a check-up.

  • And someone in recovery from an eating disorder remains self-aware and kind to themselves if old feelings emerge.

It’s not failure to feel the urge to binge again. As I mentioned, relapse is widely recognised as part of the recovery journey. In my opinion, the only true failure would be giving up entirely and surrendering to the eating disorder without trying to fight it again.

Recovery is possible. Full recovery is real. But it's also a journey that may require ongoing care, selfcompassion, and a toolbox of strategies to return to if needed. These are the tools we give you.

I truly hope these top tips and insights from my personal experience are helpful to you. Wishing you all the very best for the rest of the tastelife Recovery Course and in your ongoing journey of recovery.

- Marie


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Supporting Those Receiving Treatment

When emotional and mental health problems become serious enough to require professional treatment, churches used to be advised to stand back and ‘leave it to the professionals’. However, particularly with NHS services under such pressure, we now know that people receiving treatment need and benefit from the additional support that the wider church family can offer.

So what can/should churches do? Here are five top tips for getting involved:

1. Consider the impact rather than trying to understand the complexities

If you break your leg, get diagnosed with cancer, or have an operation, the church generally understands, and responds with a variety of support: cooking meals, doing shopping, visiting regularly and offering prayer and sympathy. Those who suffer from mental illness don’t get the same response, perhaps because people do not understand the illness as well and may fear doing the wrong thing. However, no matter how complex the illness, the impact on sufferers and their immediate family and friends is usually obvious.

Aim to focus on the impact of mental illness in terms of impact on the individual and their family/friends, rather than getting bogged down trying to understand the complexities of the illness itself. For example, if someone is admitted to a psychiatric ward then, like any other ward, it is often bereft of the simple niceties of life, such as grapes, up-to-date magazines of interest and quality food. Patients, too, will benefit from the same things as those who are physically unwell. If someone you know is admitted, why not pop in at the agreed visiting times, bring something nice and spend some time with them. Maybe take them out for a short walk, if safe to do so.

If someone is feeling depressed and anxious and living at home, think about what might ease a bit of pressure and/or bring a little pleasure. If they have children, then offer to babysit; if they have a spouse, offer to spend some time supporting them. Get to know what their hobbies are and what used to bring them joy and arrange an opportunity to do that with them.

If you cannot visit or really don’t know what to say, remember that little texts – to let them know you care and that you’re thinking of them and praying – can be worth a lot. Remember that in order to support, you do not have to make everything better, or somehow become an expert clinician to cure them. You do not have to produce a miraculous healing or find a route to breakthrough. You simply have to be there.

2. Journey instead of judging

Where physical illnesses are concerned we often have little or no idea how they developed, what caused them or if and when someone will discover effective treatment, or even a cure. We may know things that place people at greater risk (smoking, say), but even where there may have been contributing factors, self-blame or being judged by others will not improve a person’s ability and resilience to deal with their illness. It is no different when the illness is emotional/psychological.

Where mental illness is concerned, there is often considerable curiosity as to what the cause of the illness might be. However, causes are rarely clear or simple – even to the experts. Trying to hunt down some moral, rational or spiritual rationale is unlikely to be productive for anyone. Be particularly careful of this when supporting an individual: the only thing that is worse than facing mental illness alone is feeling surrounded by people who point out that it’s your own fault you find yourself there.

Try to focus on the journey the person faces – and above all, aim to respond ‘shoulder to shoulder’, walking alongside them, rather than ‘face to face’ confronting them. This person you care for is finding themself on a tough part of life’s journey. Journey with them so they do not walk it alone.

3. Make sure people are getting the treatment they need and deserve

Never underestimate the impact you can have when you help people you are supporting to have a ‘voice’ in the system caring for them. It’s a sad fact of the system that if you have someone alongside you in any type of illness who is prepared to ask reasonable questions and pleasantly insist on the best possible treatment, then you tend to get a better service. Don’t be afraid to be gently assertive, attend meetings with them (if they are happy for you to do so) and help them to manage things if they (or you) feel that they are not getting the kind of care they should.

Remember that this principle includes medication. For most people the medications prescribed work well. However, there can be times (for example in the case of side effects) when it is worth enquiring whether other medications are available which might have a better outcome. Don’t be afraid to support those you are caring for in exploring the options open to them or querying the prescribed treatment. Simply asking the questions might get you surprising results.

If things are not going well, remember that all clinicians and managers in the system have to respond to complaints about satisfaction and experience. These complaints are to be received in the spirit of openness, curiosity and desire to improve. The principle of the unjust judge (Luke 18:1-8) is relevant to this system. Keep knocking for justice. Lots of people experiencing mental health issues don’t complain, for whatever reason, even though the service they are receiving is inadequate. Help them complain! Always have the spirit of collaboration and reasonability but don’t accept second best.

4. If in doubt, ask: no response does not mean no impact

Many loving, faith-filled people know other loving, faith-filled people who are suffering from mental illness but never talk to each other! People suffering don’t like to talk about it and the people caring don’t like to ask. Often someone will not ask for help until they hit rock-bottom and real crisis. Letting them know you’re there and that you care can stop them tipping over the edge, and is an intervention in itself.

Be sensitive but direct if you think someone might be struggling. Ask them if they are all right, offer the chance to talk but do not insist that they do. Let them know the door is open, and that judgement and criticism won’t come into it. They may prefer to be left alone. But even if they do not choose to engage, most will massively appreciate someone noticing and taking the time to show they care, and the offer of support.

5. Sustain for the long term

Mental illness can be a long-term problem, with many ups and downs, highs and lows, crisis points and celebrations. Be prepared for this: it is a marathon rather than a sprint. Often, pastoral care teams tire themselves out by trying to sustain high intensity support beyond their capability and capacity. Instead, make an early decision as to what can be offered, and how often. Be aware of your own and your team’s limits.

Remember also to support the other people caring for the person who is unwell. If a spouse, parent, sibling, friend, or pastoral care worker is supporting someone suffering, then they need:

  • Someone to unload to. You don’t have to be qualified to listen. But you do need to listen.

  • Time out. Give them a break, revolve the pastoral care worker to someone else for a time. Take them out for a pamper day, or a trip out.

  • Material support. Think of what would help them: holidays, transportation (public transport to appointments can be strenuous), prepared food, treats and so on.

  • Prayer. Pray for them and with them, encourage them, strengthen them, hold them up when their energy is at its lowest.


Demistifying OCD

Will Van Der Hart: Understanding Panic Attacks

I didn't realise that my first panic attack was actually a panic attack until nearly 10 years later. I still remember it really clearly. I was on my gap year teaching in North Wales and it was my first real experience of being away from home. As an outwardly confident and mellow young person I had no context for understanding my panic attack as anything other than it being a serious heart attack. I woke up in my bed in the middle of the night, I could hardly breath and my heart was racing in my chest. It was beating so hard I thought it was going to explode. At the same time my skin was clammy and cold, beads of sweat ran down my face and a terrible, horrible dark fear gripped my mind.

I stumbled upstairs in the darkness, waking up another young teacher who was working in the same school. He took one look at me and went white himself, which made me feel even worse. Within a few moments we were off to the hospital, where to my amazement I was pretty much ignored. I couldn't understand why I wasn't on the bed being taped to machines and zapped with electrodes. Instead the doctor put an oxygen mask over my face and went away for fifteen minutes. When he returned from dealing with some less serious stabbing or heart attack he came back took off the mask and sent me home. The only explanation I was given was that I had panicked in my sleep.

Did you know that 10% of the population experience occasional panic attacks and an even larger number of adults in the UK will have experienced a panic attack at one time or another? (NHS)

It is also extremely common for the individual to head straight to the hospital during or following their first attack. No wonder my doctor looked so relaxed!

The thing I have realised about panic attacks is that there are a cocktail of psychological (mind) and physiological (bodily) responses. When you really understand them they loose some of their power, and you can even learn to stop or minimise them. The really frightening thing about having panic attacks is their unpredictability. Some of us move from the experience of having one or two panic attacks in a few years to something called Panic Disorder, where sufferers might have several attacks per day or night.
 

Common symptoms experienced during a panic attack are:

  • dizziness or feeling faint

  • palpitations or increased heart rate

  • sweating, trembling or shaking

  • difficulty breathing

  • feeling of choking or nausea

  • chest pain

  • numbness or tingling sensations

  • chills or hot flushes

  • feelings of unreality and detachment

  • fear of losing control

  • fear of dying

  • a sense of great danger and an urge to escape (NHS)


This is not an exhaustive list, so if you are experiencing other sensations don't be concerned that they aren't mentioned here. Panic attacks are actually a result of what is known as the fight or flight response. We really need this response in our lives; it is what makes us run from attackers or bears or other dangers. If we didn't have it we wouldn't last that long. But if you think about it, the response isn't intelligent it is instinctual, we don't stop to consider if a man's gun is loaded or just a toy, if it is pointed at us we are out of there. Panic attacks are just the "fight or flight" response kicking in when there is an inappropriate stimulus. Most commonly panic attacks are actually a result of frightening thoughts that trigger a stressed nervous system into panic. This panic then causes another flow of frightening thoughts like, "I am going mad", which in turn trigger more attacks. Now the intent of me writing here is not to be expressly medical (I leave that in Rob's safe hands). Instead it is to try and make sense of some of these things as a pastor, so please bear with me.


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When I was in my late twenties I experienced several panic attacks in one week. It was as if my previous ignorance to them had stopped me from worrying about them, but now I was conscious of what was happening and it really frightened me. The first thing I did was to go to the internet and read about them. This I realised later was a big mistake, there is a lot of helpful information on the net but there is also so much sensationalist rubbish. My trawl of the net left me extremely stressed, I thought that I was going to loose my mind and be stuck in some twilight world that was punctuated by horrible panic attacks. Needless to say the result of this exploration increased the number and frequency of the attacks.

If you are in that place right now, I really sympathise. I know it is horrible, but I also know that there is real hope, it is an experience that can be overcome. I have not had a panic attack for two years now, but even if I did, I know it would be alright! It's funny being a vicar because you are never sure how much of yourself you are supposed to express. I guess I'm maybe saying too much about myself, but I realise that when I was in the thick of it, all I wanted to know was that there were people who had been where I was, but weren't there anymore.

I don't know what is worse with panic attacks, the feeling of fear or the experience of the physical symptoms. Whichever you find hardest to cope with, you can be sure they are both there. If we fear the fear, we get the symptoms and if we fear the symptoms we get the fear. The bottom line is that fear is the result and the initiator of the symptoms.

Do you know the verse in the 1 John 4:8, "But perfect loves casts out fear." It is a lovely verse, but perhaps it appears a little idealistic when you are suffering from panic attacks. Well, have another think about this verse, it actually has a lot to say. The mistake that is often made about this verse is interpreting the concept of love with human undertones. The perfect love that God offers is a distant cousin of our notion of romantic love. The perfect love of God is a superlative love, it incorporates acceptance, justice, security, trust, sanctuary and peace. The fear that it replaces is that of the future, of the past and of the present. Panic attacks and particularly Panic Disorder, where people have a regular flow of attacks, are caused by stress and fear. In light of this there has never been a better time to press in to the perfect love of God.

Well, thats okay, but what does it mean in practice? It means practical confidence. This perfect love is active, it casts out, it isn't defensive or passive. Many of the people who have talked to me about struggling with panic attacks are living very defensively, trying to avoid another attack. This defensive behaviour means that they are scanning themselves continually for slight physiological changes that might indicate an attack is imminent. As a result they are feeding the fear that will ultimately maintain their condition. You might have heard it said that, the best form of defence is attack. This is definitely true for people struggling with regular panic attacks.

Having become very frightened of my own attacks, I was amazed when my friend who is a trained psychologist came over and suggested that we have a panic attack together! I couldn't believe that she could have a panic attack at will, and I certainly couldn't believe that I had any control over when or how these things could happen. We sat opposite each other and on her lead we hyperventilated for about five minutes before I experienced all the same physiological sensations that I had felt before, spinning head, sweating, dizziness, heart beating fast, etc. The self-induced attack reached a peak of intensity before declining as before.

Now obviously this experience wasn't quite as frightening as some of the spontaneous attacks I had had before. However, it did show me several key things that helped to diminish my fear. Firstly, I realised that I wasn't going mad, which was a relief. Secondly, I realised that whilst attacks were unpleasant, they were not actually detrimental to my health and were not causing any damage to my brain or heart. Thirdly, I realised that my unwitting hyperventilation when I got stressed or fearful was a major contributor to my attacks. If I could stop hyperventilating then I was deactivating the attack before it could happen (by stopping the over oxygenation of my brain that causes the symptoms). My friend told me that it was impossible to have a panic attack if I was completely relaxed. The final thing that I became confident of was that panic attacks had a beginning, middle and end, they could not continue of forever and a day. This was a great relief and reduced my fear massively.

I began to aggressively challenge my fear, by finding out every weakness in the panic attack enemy. I was searching for its failings and loopholes, anything that gave me an edge over it. Instead of slipping into defensiveness and fear I became resolute that I could move out of this. The perfect love of God was one weapon in my armoury that I knew could not be overcome, it was my security. Behind me I knew some absolutes that I would hold on to for security and peace. I knew that God would not abandon me, that he had won my eternal victory, that I was safe in his hands and that he had plans for my life that would not be thwarted by panic attacks. All this gave me huge confidence when fear came suddenly I realised that I was not alone but that perfect love could practically cast out my fear.

Combining my spiritual understanding of Jesus' presence with practical action I began to see a marked decline in my attacks. When an attack came I decided to aggressively relax. Sounds like an oxymoron? Well it isn't! Relaxation, I learnt, was like a weapon in an attack. I would let all my muscles go loose, soften my breathing and move it into diaphragmatic and steady rhythms. Instead of increasing my terror by willing it to end, I just embraced each attack in the knowledge that it would definitely end. Like a powerful switch this approach ended many attacks as soon as they started. The result of this success increased my confidence, further reduced my fear, and as a result reduced my attacks until the disappeared all together.

Just a little note of caution! I think that many of us exacerbate our problems when we solidify our attitudes into all or nothing categories. You might have noticed that in my introduction I said, "and if I had another attack, I would be alright." I realise that I am probably one of the 10% of people who get occasional panic attacks. If I make concrete decisions in my mind like, "I cannot live a happy or valuable life unless I never have another panic attack." I will live my life in the constant fear of another attack, which massively increases the likelihood of having more attacks, besides ruining my life. Some people who are trying to recover see every attack as a failure, then when they have an attack the feel terrible and believe that it's all going to go downhill.

Try not to live your life or your recovery like this. Embrace every attack as an opportunity to experiment on what stops them. Try to laugh at your attacks while they are happening, make them smaller and less serious than they are now. I know this sounds hard, but believe me it works! Life is a tough journey and for some of us panic attacks can be an additional hazard. Remember that you are a child of God, you are not the sum of your attacks, they do not represent any terrible weakness, or any sinful lack of faith. They are just there right now. It has been okay, it is okay and it will be okay. God is with you, in every moment.


Practical tips:

1) Do go to see your GP to discuss your attacks. Try and go armed with a log of how frequently they have occurred and explain their intensity and length.

2) Avoid reading tons of internet sites! some are just plain wrong. The ones on the Mind and Soul links page are all great and sound, so use them.

3) Don't be ashamed of them. They are common and most people will know what you mean.

4) Pray about them, invite God to lead you away from them. (Be cautious if people claim to have 'broken' them or 'freed' you from them! They are not usually spiritual, they are behavioural).

5) Aggressively relax when you feel the warning signs of an attack coming on.

6) Create lots of relaxation space in your life and engage in meditating on the Lord and his peace.

7) Don't stop doing anything you would normally do because of your attacks or begin to live defensively, instead fly in the face of them.

8) Try not to see attacks as 'setbacks' or 'failures'.

9) Remember that their frequency will decline as your system begins to regard them as insignificant. This will take time.

10) Your stress system is working correctly just not appropriately.

You are a child of God and never forget that he never forgets you.


Will has been an Ordained Anglican Priest in London since 2004, he is also an accredited ICF coach who works both in secular business and church settings. His interest in emotional health is wide ranging, reflecting his broad experience in a variety of pastoral contexts. Will is an author and an integrative bible teacher who speaks at a number of national forums. He is a MHFA mental health first aider and is passionate about equipping church leaders to look after their own emotional health as well as empowering them to manage the emotional needs of the people in their care.

Embracing Neurodiversity 

Embracing Neurodiversity 

The concept of neurodiversity is increasingly gaining recognition and importance across different sectors of society, including education, workplaces, and communities. However, discussions about neurodiversity within the Church are still seemingly in the early stages. Speaking about this topic at a recent church conference, where I shared the stage with someone with lived experience of several neurodiverse conditions, I was struck by the strong and novel sense of validation various members of the audience, a number of whom spoke of their own lived experience, felt just from the fact that it was being discussed. 

This article explores the distinct contributions and challenges encountered by individuals with diverse neurological profiles – such as autism, developmental co-ordination disorder (DCD) and dyslexia – within Church settings. It also seeks to make the case for embracing neurodiversity in order to cultivate more inclusive, compassionate, and spiritually enriching environments, where every member of the congregation is valued and supported in their faith journey.
 

What does this term ‘neurodiversity’ mean?

Neurodiversity is an umbrella term to identify people whose brains work differently than most others – the so-called ‘neurotypicals’, resulting in different strengths and challenges.  These can manifest in conditions such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and DCD, amongst others.

Rather than viewing these differences as mental illness or disorders that need to be "fixed," the neurodiversity perspective views them as part of the normal variation in human brains and minds. This approach promotes greater inclusion and equity when we consider the differences in how our brains are wired. 

Here are some examples of how neurodiversity may present:

Ruth, a 4-year-old girl, is brought to her doctor because her parents are concerned that she has not started talking yet and seems uninterested in playing with other children. She prefers to line up her toys in a specific order, rather than engaging in imaginative play. In nursery, she often becomes upset by changes in routine and avoids eye contact with her teachers and peers. The doctor observes that she exhibits repetitive hand-flapping and repeats phrases she hears,  rather than engaging in spontaneous speech.

This is an example of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), which is characterised by difficulties in social interaction, communication, and the presence of restricted, repetitive behaviours or interests. 

•    Social communication challenges: individuals with ASD often have difficulties with verbal and nonverbal communication, understanding and interpreting social cues, and forming and maintaining relationships. 

•    Repetitive behaviours: This can include repetitive movements (e.g., hand-flapping, rocking), insistence on sameness or routines, and intense focus on specific interests or activities. 

•    Sensory sensitivities: Many people with ASD are highly sensitive to sensory inputs such as sounds, lights, textures, or smells, which can lead to either hyper- or hypo-reactivity to sensory stimuli.

The term "spectrum" reflects the wide variation in challenges and strengths possessed by each person with autism.

Matthew, a 9-year-old boy, has been struggling with reading since his first year of school. Despite extra help from his teacher and parents, he reads slowly, often mixing up letters like "b" and "d" and struggling to decode new words. In class, he tries to avoid reading out loud and frequently guesses words rather than sounding them out. His difficulty with reading is beginning to affect his performance in other subjects, such as maths, where word problems pose a significant challenge. Despite these difficulties, he is articulate and shows a strong understanding of concepts when they are presented verbally.

Dyslexia is a specific learning disorder that primarily affects reading and related language-based processing skills, as described in Matthew’s case. Individuals with dyslexia often struggle with accurate and/or fluent word recognition i.e. relating sounds to letters/words. Spelling and decoding can be challenging, despite normal intelligence and adequate instruction. People with dyslexia thus appear to be bright orally but find it hard to get information down accurately on paper. 

Mary, an 8-year-old girl, has always struggled with tasks that require motor coordination. In school, she finds it difficult to write legibly, often holding the pencil awkwardly and tiring quickly. Her parents and teachers notice that she frequently trips or bumps into objects and has trouble catching a ball during recess. Despite her enthusiasm, she becomes frustrated during art class because her drawings do not match what she envisions. While she is academically bright, her difficulty with motor tasks affects her confidence and participation in physical activities.

Mary’s challenges are indicative of Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD or Dyspraxia), more commonly referred to as dyspraxia, is a motor skills disorder that affects a person’s ability to perform coordinated, everyday physical tasks. Children with DCD often have difficulty with activities like writing, dressing, and sports, which require fine and gross motor coordination.


What causes these conditions?

Neurodiverse conditions are thought to arise from a combination of genetic, biological and environmental factors. 

1. Genetic Factors: Variations or mutations in certain genes (but no one specific gene) can influence brain development and function.  These genetic factors can be inherited from parents or occur spontaneously.

2. Biological Factors: Differences in brain structure and function have been identified between neurotypical and neurodiverse conditions. For example, research has shown that individuals with autism may have differences in brain connectivity, while those with dyslexia might have variations in areas of the brain responsible for processing language.

3. Environmental Factors: Environmental influences, particularly during prenatal development (i.e. in the womb), can also play a role. Factors such as poor maternal health, infections during pregnancy and complications at birth may contribute to the development of neurodiverse conditions. However, these factors often interact with genetic predispositions rather than acting as sole causes.

It's important to note that the causes of neurodiverse conditions are not fully understood and are likely to involve multiple contributing factors rather than a single cause.

What impact does neurodiversity have on Christian faith for those with these conditions?

Neurodiversity can have a profound impact on the Christian faith experience for individuals with neurodiverse conditions, both positively and in more challenging ways:

1. Unique spiritual perspectives and approaches: Neurodiverse individuals often bring unique insights and perspectives to their faith and Church communities. For instance, someone with autism might adopt a highly analytical or detailed approach to their reading of Scripture, finding deep meaning in specific words, phrases or patterns. Others might find comfort in repetitive prayers or rituals that provide structure and predictability. Someone with ADHD might prefer more active or varied forms of worship, such as walking meditation or creative arts, rather than prolonged periods of silent prayer. 

2. Challenges in communal worship: Traditional church services and activities can sometimes pose challenges for neurodiverse individuals. For example, those with sensory hypersensitivity (e.g. to sound, light or touch, associated with autism or ADHD) might find loud music, bright lights, or crowded spaces unsettling. Similarly, long periods of stillness or structured activities might be difficult for those with poor attention or motor coordination issues. 

3. Community and inclusion: Feeling accepted and included in the faith community is crucial for spiritual growth. Neurodiverse individuals might experience challenges in social interactions, making it difficult to connect with others in the church. These challenges may lead to feelings of alienation or frustration. Some neurodiverse individuals may also grapple with questions about their identity and place within God's creation, seeking assurance that they are valued and loved as they are.

4. Theological reflection and understanding: Neurodiversity can influence how individuals understand and relate to theological concepts. For instance, abstract concepts like grace or the Holy Trinity might be difficult for someone with a concrete thinking style, while others might find deep meaning in the stories of Jesus' interactions with marginalized individuals. 

In summary, neurodiversity can shape the Christian faith experience in various ways, offering both unique challenges and enriching perspectives. When churches acknowledge and support neurodiverse individuals, they not only enhance these individuals' spiritual lives but also enrich the entire faith community by embracing the full spectrum of God's creation.

How can we best support neurodiverse Christians?


1. Fostering a more inclusive environment

Awareness: Church leaders and neurodiverse congregants may educate the congregation about neurodiversity to reduce stigma and increase understanding, either during specific neurodiverse awareness days/weeks (such as World Autism Acceptance Week) or at any time of the year. This could involve workshops, sermons, or small group discussions focused on neurodiverse conditions. 

Cultivating a culture of acceptance: Differences can be explicitly respected and celebrated, with encouragement for all members to adopt an attitude of patience, understanding, and accommodation of diverse needs. For example, some neurodiverse people may prefer to stand or move around during services, or use noise-cancelling headphones to manage sensory input.

2. Adapting Church services and activities

Sensory-friendly services: Worship may be made more sensory-friendly by offering lower lighting, softer music, and/or designated quiet spaces (with comfortable seating and minimal sensory stimuli), where people can retreat if they feel overwhelmed. Being willing to adapt and evolve church practices based on the needs and suggestions of neurodiverse members, demonstrates a commitment to their well-being.

Physical accessibility: There is a need to ensure that all areas of the church are accessible to those with physical disabilities, which often co-occur with neurodiverse conditions. This includes ramps, seating arrangements, and accessible restrooms.

Supporting spiritual growth: Some neurodiverse people would benefit from having access to information ahead of the weekend service about the Bible verses that will be covered, as they may find it challenging to follow the sermon without prior preparation. Additionally, if the sermon notes available afterwards, this allow people to review and digest the content, especially if they lost focus during the service. Providing materials in multiple formats (e.g., written, visual, auditory) caters to different learning styles.

3. Engagement and inclusion in ministry

Identify and utilise strengths: Neurodiverse individuals should be explicitly encouraged to use their strengths and gifts in ministry roles. This might include tech support, creative arts, or being on the welcome team, or someone with a passion for detail might excel in a roles that involves organising or maintaining records.

Open communication: Opportunities can be created for neurodiverse individuals and their families to provide feedback on church programmes and services. 

Mentorship: Implementing mentorship or buddy systems where neurodiverse individuals are paired with supportive peers can help them navigate social situations more easily and feel more connected to the community.

By implementing these strategies, churches can create a supportive and nurturing environment where neurodiverse Christians feel valued, understood, and able to fully participate in the life of the Church. This not only benefits the individuals but also enriches the entire faith community.

Where can I get more information?
https://www.autism.org.uk/  
https://www.bdadyslexia.org.uk/dyslexia/neurodiversity-and-co-occurring-differences/dyspraxia 
 
Chi-Chi Obuaya - Dr Chi-Chi Obuaya is a Consultant Psychiatrist working in an NHS ADHD service and in independent practice, as well as a Mind & Soul Foundation Director.

Faith & the Power of Pause

Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Tension Point

 "I know I need to rest, but I just can’t seem to stop. Even when I try to take time, I feel guilty or restless. Why does it feel so hard to switch off?”

Talking Point 

We live in a world that glorifies hustle, where productivity is mistaken for worth. Even in Christian circles, we can fall into the trap of thinking our output defines our obedience. But Scripture tells a different story.

In the creation narrative, God didn’t wait until everything was finished to rest—He paused in the middle of the work. Each day, He created, then paused. “And there was evening, and there was morning…” This divine rhythm teaches us to value reflection over perfection and to see rest not as weakness, but as wisdom.

And yet… many of us struggle with internal beliefs that resist rest. Thoughts like: “I’m too busy to stop,” or “Rest is laziness,” or “If I slow down, I’ll fall behind.” These beliefs aren’t just cultural—they’re deeply ingrained, often unconsciously. But left unchecked, they lead to burnout, anxiety, and disconnection from God and ourselves.

God’s rhythm invites something better. He didn’t just rest after creation—He paused within it. Rest isn’t about checking out. It’s about checking in—with ourselves, with God, and with the deeper rhythms that lead to wholeness.

Truth to Ponder

If rest and pause feel elusive right now, here are some ways to bring them into reach—practically, psychologically, and spiritually:

PAUSES: The commas of your day

  • Breathe deeply. Intentional breath slows your stress response. Inhale for 4, hold, exhale for 10. Do this anywhere – in your car, in the shower, between meetings.

  • Unplug intentionally. Be smarter than your smart device. Use “Do Not Disturb” mode after a set time in the evening and guard moments of quiet like treasure.

  • Redefine rest. Make space for activities that are truly restorative – for instance, if you like reading, don’t read work related books (3 ways to be a better leader, 5 tips to be more effective etc!) and count it as rest.

  • Inject joy. Do more of what brings delight—whether it’s tinkering, having a hot bubble bath, chatting, or sitting still with a cuppa.

  • Don’t neglect the basics. Nutritious food, decent sleep, and exercise aren’t luxuries—they’re vital pause points for body and mind.
     

REST: The full stops of your week

  • Rest your thoughts. Challenge yourself to sit and be present for 3 minutes a day. No planning. No reflecting. No mental to do lists. Just. Be. Still.

  • Rest your pace. Walk slower. Drive slower. Pack less in. Stop replacing work with a hyperactive version of ‘rest.’

  • Rest your soul. Let go of guilt. Stop ‘should-ing’ yourself. Follow what brings joy, connection, and peace.


You were made in God’s image. And He chose to rest—not because He was tired, but because rest is sacred. It honours our limits, our need for rhythm, and our call to live not just effectively—but faithfully.

So this week, take one pause. Then take one rest. And watch what shifts in you.


Love your neighbour... as yourself

Your fortnightly 1-2-3: Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Tension Point

 "I’m great at being there for everyone else—but when it comes to me, I feel drained, critical, or just…disconnected. Is it selfish to focus on myself?”

Talking Point 

We were created for connection—deep, meaningful relationships that enrich our lives and ground us in love. But there’s one relationship that often gets overlooked: the one you have with you.

Loving others well begins with learning to love yourself well. Not in a self-centred or egotistic way, but in the way you would treat someone you love—with kindness, patience, grace, and care. If you’re going to spend every minute of every day with someone… wouldn’t it be wise to make peace with them?

Being a good friend to yourself starts with:

  • Knowing yourself – your likes, dislikes, values, and strengths. Personality tools like 16personalities.com can offer helpful insight.

  • Speaking kindly to yourself check your self-talk. Would you say that to someone you love?

  • Enjoying your own company – pursue hobbies, explore joy, make time for what lights you up.

  • Caring for yourself like you would a friend – rest, nourish, move, recover. You matter too.

This is not indulgence—it’s wisdom. Even Jesus said, “Love your neighbour as yourself.” That command assumes you know how to love you. When you constantly give without receiving—even from yourself—you run dry. But when you nurture a healthy inner life, you give from a place of fullness, not depletion.

Truth to Ponder

The greatest gift you can give those around you is a healthy you. Ask yourself:

  • Am I treating myself like someone I’m called to love?

  • Would I want my children or friends to treat themselves the way I treat myself?

  • Do I need to pause, replenish, and reconnect with who I really am?

At Mercy UK, we believe that wholeness flows from a strong relationship with God, with yourself, and with others. That’s why we created Keys to Freedom —a powerful discipleship resource designed to help you discover how to live in truth, freedom, and healthy connection.

Because when you flourish, everyone around you benefits too.

Faith & Passion

Does your passion feel quiet? Don’t panic. This may be a holy pause, not a problem to fix.

Your fortnightly 1-2-3: Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Tension Point

 "I used to feel driven by passion and purpose, but lately... I just feel drained. Is there something wrong with me, or is this part of the journey?”

Talking Point 

Think of passion as a wild stallion, like the one in the header image. Passion will lend you his speed, jump you over obstacles, elevate your perspective and help you rally others around your cause. But like any stallion, Passion needs reins to ride it safely. Without reins, he will trample over flowers you’re meant to protect, race past landscape you’re supposed to enjoy and land you way off course before you even know it. Without reins (or without reign!) Passion will eventually drain you.

Yet, passion is a gift from God. It helps us move forward, gives us energy for our purpose, and fuels deep joy in serving. But it was never meant to be our master. Passion isn’t always about doing more. It’s not about galloping into every storm or pushing harder when your soul is tired. It’s about knowing what matters—and letting that truth lead.

Passion needs tending. Jesus lived with deep, unwavering passion. But even He retreated often to quiet places to pray, to rest, and to reconnect with the Father. Passion doesn’t thrive on pressure—it grows through presence.

If your passion feels dim right now, that doesn’t mean it’s gone. It may simply be resting, waiting, or healing. And that’s okay. Passion isn’t just for mountaintops—it’s for the valleys too. In fact, some of the deepest, most lasting callings are forged not in noise and fire, but in silence and surrender.

Truth to Ponder

When your passion feels quiet, don’t panic. This may be a holy pause, not a problem to fix. Here's how to make peace with the season you're in:

  • Name your need. Is it rest? Renewal? Clarity? God isn’t asking you to fake energy you don’t have. He meets you with kindness.

  • Let go of pressure. Passion isn’t about performance—it’s about alignment. Let yourself breathe.

  • Stay near the Source. Draw close to the One who kindled your passion in the first place. Sometimes the flame returns in a whisper.

  • Pay attention to small sparks. A conversation, a scripture, a quiet stirring—God often rekindles the fire gently.

  • Trust the process. Seasons of stillness can deepen the roots of your calling more than constant motion ever could.
     

Want to go a bit deeper on this subject?

Talk some time to reflect on this passage and consider what God might be trying to say to you:

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.
Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG)

Demystifying OCD

“Cast all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you” - 1 Peter 5:7

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder that affects one in every 50 people. It is common to hear people refer to themselves as “OCD” or obsessive, but these terms are frequently misused and misunderstood. There are two main types of symptoms in OCD: obsessions and compulsions.
 

Obsessions

Obsessions are unwelcome and intrusive thoughts, images, urges, worries or doubts.  They occur in a repetitive fashion and are experienced as distressing; there is often a fear of losing control completely. Examples include an irrational fear of contamination or distress caused by items not being kept in an orderly fashion.

Obsessions should not be confused with instances in which people insist that they are ‘obsessional’, which commonly refers to a preoccupation with certain themes that they tend to ruminate on. Although distressing, it is not the same.  Similarly, being tidy or paying extra attention to hygiene does not mean that you have OCD.
 

Compulsions

Compulsions are behaviours that people undertake to reduce the distress caused by the obsessions. Examples include repetitive hand-washing, checking doors are locked and counting to a specific number or engaging in other rituals to prevent something bad from happening. So-called ‘compulsive’ gambling or eating is not a true compulsion as defined here.

People diagnosed with OCD may have just obsessions, only compulsions or both sets of symptoms. OCD can have a significant impact on a person’s day-to-day activities and in some cases the quality of their relationships e.g. someone who compulsively checks the front door may spend many minutes leaving their house. The embarrassment and distress caused by the symptoms may result in some people becoming socially withdrawn.

For Christians and non-Christians alike, obsessional thinking can cause significant self-doubt. The nature of obsessions, such as the belief that one may harm other people or thoughts that appear to have a blasphemous theme, can cause some Christians to question the strength of their faith. There can be a lot of guilt and shame about the symptoms they experience and some people may form the belief that they are experiencing OCD owing to some unresolved sin.

What causes OCD and how do I know if I have it?

There is no single known cause of OCD. It does occur more commonly in some families, where an existing family member already has this diagnosis. Some research suggests that people with certain personality traits, such as a tendency towards being methodical and with very high standards, may be more likely to develop OCD. 

There may also be links to trauma and in clinical practice it is common to see OCD appearing in new or expectant parents, for reasons that remain unclear. It is important to emphasise that the obsessional beliefs and compulsive behaviours do not indicate the presence of any character flaws, but are random and irrational manifestations of this condition.

Anyone concerned that they or someone they know may have a OCD should seek support from their GP in the first instance. They may be referred on to specialist mental health services, where a further assessment can take place.

Treatment for OCD

The mainstay of treatment is psychological therapy, in the form of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), a behavioural therapy that gently exposes people to anxiety-provoking situations under the guidance of a trained therapist.

People with OCD may also benefit from taking antidepressant medication: the neurotransmitter serotonin (a chemical messenger in the brain) appears to be implicated in the onset of several anxiety disorders, including OCD.  A number of antidepressants act on this pathway and thus relieve the OCD symptoms.

If in doubt, talk to your GP and if your symptoms are limiting your life, seek out professional help and advice rather than worrying and trying to diagnose yourself.


Further Reading:

Royal College of Psychiatrists:
https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/obsessive-compulsive-disorder

Mind:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/about-ocd/
 

Chi-Chi Obuaya, 30/08/2021

How do I help a family member who is emotionally shut down?

The Silent Struggle: Supporting Those Who Won’t Open Up

It’s one of the hardest places to be, watching someone you care about struggling, knowing something’s not right, but feeling shut out. They’re distant, withdrawn, or unusually quiet. You sense they’re carrying something heavy, but no matter how gently you ask, they won’t open up.

If you’re in this position, you’re not alone. At Mercy UK, we often meet people whose pain is hidden behind silence, and just as often, we hear from the loved ones trying to support them.

So what can you do when someone you care about won’t talk?

Your presence matters more than your words

It’s natural to want to help by saying the right thing or offering solutions. But sometimes, the most powerful thing you can offer is simply being there. It’s often this consistent, quiet presence that builds the safety they need to eventually open up. You don’t need to fix it, just sit with them in the silence.

Resist the urge to push

Even with the best intentions, repeated questions like “What’s wrong?” or “Why won’t you talk to me?” can feel overwhelming. Instead, let them know you're here when they’re ready. That reassurance, with no pressure, often speaks louder than words.

Understand that silence isn’t rejection

It’s easy to take it personally when someone shuts you out, but often their silence isn’t about you. It might be about shame, fear, or past hurt. Try to interpret their distance as protection, not punishment.

Stay consistent

Trauma and emotional pain often tell people that others won’t stay, that they’re too much or not enough. Being consistently kind, available, and patient helps challenge that lie over time.

Make space for small steps

If they don’t want to talk, perhaps they’ll join you for a walk, a film night, or just a cup of tea. Connection doesn’t always start with conversation. Sometimes it begins with shared moments, not shared words.

Loving someone who won’t open up can feel powerless. But your love is not wasted. Your presence is not unnoticed. And your patience may be the very thing that helps them feel safe enough to begin their healing journey.

At Mercy UK, we believe that silence isn’t the absence of healing. It’s often the starting point.


Are YOU Struggling to open up?

How do you help someone who is struggling without risking my own mental health?

Holding Space Without Losing Yourself

Supporting someone who won’t talk about what they’re going through can be emotionally exhausting. You want to be there. You want to help. But over time, the silence can start to take its toll on you, leaving you feeling helpless, shut out, or even resentful.

So how do you support someone well without burning out? When do your needs matter too?
At Mercy UK, we believe in supporting people and the people who support them. Here’s what we’ve learned:

Your needs are valid too

It’s not selfish to acknowledge that the situation is affecting you. It’s honest. When someone you care about won’t open up, it can stir up all kinds of emotions: worry, frustration, grief, confusion. Don’t bury those feelings. They need space too.

Set emotional boundaries

Being present for someone doesn’t mean becoming their emotional sponge. It’s okay to say, “I’m here for you, but I also need time to care for my own wellbeing.” If you’re constantly feeling drained or overwhelmed, it’s a sign that something needs to shift.

Communicate with gentleness and clarity

You can speak honestly without placing blame.
Try:
“I care deeply about you, and I understand if you’re not ready to talk. But I’m finding the silence really hard, and I want to let you know how it’s affecting me.”
Being open about your experience creates space for healthy connection, not pressure.

Don’t confuse support with responsibility

You can walk with someone, but you can’t walk for them. Their healing is not your job to manage. Your role is to care, not to carry the weight of their choices or healing process.

Make space for your own support

Find someone you trust to talk to: a friend, a counsellor, a faith leader. You don’t have to keep everything in. Having a space to process what you’re experiencing will help you stay grounded and compassionate in the long run.

Supporting someone in silence is sacred work, but so is honouring your own limits. By setting healthy limits, you can stay close and still have your own space, and you can walk with someone through their silence without losing your sense of self along the way.

A Shift in Culture, A Commitment to Change

In recent years, conversations around spiritual abuse, coercive control, and unhealthy power dynamics have become more open and our collective understanding (and experiences) of trauma, spiritual health, and safe practice within a faith context is changing — for the better.

At Mercy UK, along with many others, we welcome this change. We recognise that for many people, particularly those who’ve experienced coercion, trauma, or spiritual harm, safety is not just about physical protection — it’s about creating an environment where they are free to be heard, respected, and never pressured or dismissed.

This change is not a threat to the Church or to faith, but is a chance to grow. For over 20 years, we’ve walked alongside people facing deep emotional and spiritual pain. And while we’ve not always got everything right, we’ve always been willing to put it right - to listen, to learn, and to change.

A Commitment to Spiritual and Psychological Safety

The shift in culture towards spiritual and psychological safety has come about through a combination of factors: the courage of survivors and observers who have found their voice, a growing professional and public awareness of trauma, and significant legal and policy developments that now explicitly recognise psychological and spiritual harm.

Changes to UK safeguarding legislation, guidance from the Charity Commission, the introduction of statutory duties relating to coercive control, and clearer expectations for ethical practice across both faith-based and secular organisations have all helped shape a space within the context of our faith, where safety and autonomy are non-negotiable.

Just like opening the doors and windows in our own homes to let the fresh air in, this external shift must be invited in through intentional practice. Over the years at Mercy UK, we’ve developed forums and processes for honest feedback, we conduct regular internal audits, and welcome external scrutiny, advice, and consultation. These mechanisms have helped us to continually improve our safeguarding standards and create a space where individuals feel safe to explore the big questions around faith and lived experiences.

Creating truly safe spaces - both spiritually and psychologically - has become central to how we work. It shapes our programmes, our policies, and our posture. And today, we want to share how we’re continuing to put this commitment into practice.

How to Shift Culture Through Intentional Practice

We’ve found that creating spiritually and psychologically safe spaces doesn’t happen by accident - it happens through consistent, deliberate steps. If you’re looking to embed these principles into your own setting, here are five key areas to focus on:

  • Trauma-Informed Practice: Train your team to recognise the impact of trauma, avoid re-traumatisation, and promote agency. We highly recommend Mental Health First Aid training as a foundational tool — it equips staff to recognise early signs of distress and respond appropriately, with empathy and skill. Mercy UK also offers issue-specific ‘Lets Talk About...’ articles in our online library which are free to access.

  • Spiritual Safety: Ask individuals how they prefer to talk about God or engage with prayer. Avoid making assumptions. Let spiritual practices be invitational, never imposed - and always rooted in consent and respect.

  • Psychological Safety: Set clear boundaries and expectations from the outset. Ensure leaders are alert to distress or dissociation and have permission to adjust their approach accordingly. Use secure platforms for any online engagement and, though it seems small, it is significant - be on time and keep to time.

  • Safeguarding and Boundaries: Build a culture of safety by ensuring all staff or volunteers work within a robust safeguarding and ethical framework - having a safeguarding policy and processes in place is a regulatory requirement for all charities, including churches, as set out by the Charity Commission under its guidance on protecting people and safeguarding responsibilities for charities (CC33). There are many organisations that offer safeguarding training such as 31:8 (reference / link). Access this training for your teams and make sure they feel confident knowing who to go to if they have concerns.

  • Transparency and Learning: Create space for feedback from those you support, and welcome input from peers or external advisors. Set up regular internal audits or reviews of your processes and policies and invite outside perspectives to strengthen accountability.

Looking Ahead

Creating spiritually and psychologically safe spaces isn’t a trend — it’s a culture we’re building as the body of Christ.

To those who’ve been hurt by spiritual or psychological harm, we want to say: we see you. We’re listening. Thank you for your openness and courage.

To our supporters: thank you for standing with us. Your trust and your giving makes it possible for us to keep learning, growing, and creating spaces where people can truly live free and stay free.

To leaders and decision-makers: thank you for your collective and pro-active commitment to creating spiritual and psychological safety in the body of Christ.

The Mandate.

As Mercy UK, this is our commitment and mandate to the Church.

At Mercy UK, we recognise that many within the Church today are carrying pain that has not yet been fully acknowledged or addressed.

Through our conversations with individuals across a wide demographic, a common thread has emerged—many are navigating a deep sense of disconnection, hurt, and uncertainty in their spiritual journey.

These challenges are not isolated to individuals, but point to a broader longing for wholeness within the body of Christ.

Acknowledging the challenges

We recognise that this pain can stem from many places; grief, disappointment, strained relationships, personal struggles or abuse.

For some, it may include the effects of unhealthy or unhelpful dynamics within church settings.

For others, it may be shaped by past trauma, including Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), or the impact of racial or cultural exclusion. Whatever the source, these experiences can leave individuals questioning their identity, their purpose, and even their understanding of God.

IT’S TIME TO LIVE FREE

We believe healing begins when we create safe spaces to process these experiences honestly, with grace and compassion.

At Mercy UK, we are committed to walking alongside those who are navigating these challenges, offering resources and support to help people rediscover their identity in Christ and find freedom and restoration.

Through intentional care, community, and Christ-centred support, we believe healing is possible—for individuals, for leaders, and for the Church as a whole.

Our commitment to individuals

Through the Keys to Freedom workbook and The Freedom Journey programme, we provide practical tools for individuals to explore the root causes of their struggles and take steps toward healing.

These programmes are designed not only to support personal breakthrough, but to encourage deeper intimacy with God, restored relationships, and renewed purpose.

Our commitment to leaders

Importantly, this need for healing is not limited to church members. Many pastors and leaders are also navigating their own internal battles—feelings of fatigue, discouragement, overwhelm, or a loss of clarity around their calling.

As fellow believers, we recognise that leaders, too, need space to heal and be restored. It is a reminder that we are all human—each of us on a journey, each in need of grace.

Our commitment to the whole church

We believe Christ is returning for a healed, whole, and unified Bride.

This means that each of us has a role to play in the restoration of the Church—not by placing blame, but by taking personal responsibility for our own growth and healing.

When we do this, we are better positioned to bring hope and restoration to others.

THE QUESTION WE MUST ALL ASK IS THIS:

Are we willing to respond to the invitation—not just to support the healing of others, but to allow God to work deeply within us too?

When we do, we contribute to the healing of the Church itself.

Mercy UK is committed to being part of this movement of healing and transformation.

Restoration is a process, not a quick fix, and we are here to walk alongside those who are ready to LIVE FREE & STAY FREE.


ACTION POINTS

You can join this movement right here, right now!

Faith & Glimmers

Helping you navigate the tension between faith & mental health by looking at a tension point, a talking point and a truth to ponder.

Tension Point

"Life feels overwhelming right now—like I’m walking a tightrope, just trying to keep everything in balance. But I’ve noticed tiny moments that help me catch my breath... can those really make a difference?”

Talking Point 

I don’t know about you, but life can sometimes feel relentless—like an obstacle course of expectations, noise, and stress. And yet, I’ve been noticing something surprising lately: little moments that spark joy or bring unexpected calm. A slant of sunlight through the window. The feel of my dog’s head on my knee. A verse of Scripture that seems to be just for me.

Some psychologists now call these moments “glimmers”—the opposite of triggers. Where triggers disrupt, glimmers soothe. Rooted in Polyvagal Theory, they’re tiny cues that signal safety to the nervous system. They can shift us from stress into a state of calm and connection. 

And faith invites us into the same shift. The God who created our nervous systems also gifts us these moments as reminders: I am with you. You are safe. You are loved. They’re not just psychological flashes of calm; they’re spiritual nudges, drawing our hearts back to truth.

Truth to Ponder

You don’t have to wait for a big breakthrough to begin feeling better. Glimmers offer real hope—and they’re already in your day. Here’s how to start noticing:

  • Name the glimmers. Keep a note in your phone or journal. What small things soothe you? A warm drink? A kind word? A certain worship song?

  • Lean into them. When you notice one, pause. Breathe. Let it sink in. Let it minister to your nervous system—and your soul.

  • Create space for them. Glimmers don’t always crash into our day. Sometimes we have to slow down enough to see them. Take walks, pause for prayer, watch the clouds. Simplicity is holy ground.

  • Let faith frame them. Don’t just see them as happy coincidences. See them as signs—divine fingerprints of a God who is near.

  • Share them. Glimmers grow stronger when shared. Text a friend the moment. Thank God aloud. Let it strengthen your community and your faith.

The more we notice glimmers, the more they grow. They tether us to hope, resilience, and joy. Like David in Psalm 23, who, in the midst of adversity, felt God leading him to quiet waters and green pastures to refresh his soul. 

So take heart. Keep looking. The glimmers are there—scientifically grounding, spiritually uplifting, and always available to those who seek them.

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

What is PTSD?

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is part of a response to experiencing trauma, whether repeatedly or as a one-off event. PTSD occurs when our brain’s natural actions to try to make sense of what has happened, and the emotions it has triggered, clash with our understandably not wanting to remember or relive the experience and our attempts to avoid the anxiety that memories trigger.

PTSD is typically described as three things: intrusive images or thoughts of a past event (sometimes called flashbacks), a general feeling and experience of being on edge, and an avoidance of the actual place or places similar to where the trauma happened. This best describes one-off traumas, such as assaults and natural disasters. Some people experience PTSD-like symptoms after repeated or historical traumas, like childhood sexual abuse. This may be called complex trauma or type-2 PTSD.

What causes PTSD?

We know that events out of context can cause PTSD, such as a freak natural disaster, a car crash or an assault. Adrenaline, when it is expected, does not cause trauma. (Think of an athlete at a major competition.) But when it comes as a surprise, we know it can change the way the brain works. It turns on our ‘fear’ centre (called the amygdala) and shuts down the bit of our brain that usually discriminates (called the hippocampus). As a result, we become oversensitive to stimuli or triggers that might previously have been linked with danger or trauma and we react to more things than are helpful.

We also know that the brain responds to trauma by replaying traumatic memories and emotions as it attempts to process them. If our fear of these causes us to try to repress or suppress them, we interrupt this natural process and end up in opposition to our own brain. Instead, we need to find safe methods and places where we can enable this processing to occur in a controlled way, and allow our mind to move on from what we have experienced.

People can beat themselves up when they get PTSD, often wondering why they can’t ‘snap out of it’. They may never have experienced emotions like this before and feel overloaded and out of control. Understanding the processes behind it can be an essential part of recovery. They may also struggle with feelings of guilt – for what happened or sometimes for other things, such as their having survived when others did not. Many sufferers also develop depression and can be prone to substance misuse as they try to self-medicate or control what they are feeling. 

Can it be treated?

PTSD requires a combination of approaches. Talking treatments like cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help moderate powerful emotions and help people feel more in control. This can better enable them to talk through and recall what happened, so the memories can be filed away like any other past events. Other therapies, such as EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) also aim to help people recall and process traumatic experiences whilst limiting the strength of the emotions they trigger.

In some traumas, people may need to learn skills to stabilise and manage anxiety or panic first, before looking at the event(s) in any detail. Medication can also help reduce the intensity of thoughts and emotions, making talking treatments more possible. 

What about faith?

Life is not fair – we know that from the Bible: that bad things happen to good people. When this happens, it turns our worldview on its head, and we can begin to assume it is deserved and that God is not good. We must remember the lesson from the story of the wise and foolish builders (Matthew 7:24-28): no matter how good your foundations, storms will come.

It is inevitable that tragedy will bring many questions. The Book of Job reminds us that there is far more at play than we can ever know. There are times we just need to worship God and turn our trust to him.

At its best, the Christian community is made up of people who all have questions too. Simplistic responses (often from those who have never suffered themselves) can be hurtful and wrong. Look at the advice Job got from his friends! Churches need to be supportive and non-judgemental, offering hope that things will work out in the end, but not asking the sufferer to accept this overnight. They can also help decrease isolation and loneliness.

Some spiritual exercises, like mindfulness, meditation and contemplation, are very helpful in PTSD. They allow us to focus on what matters, to be non-judging of ourselves. They allow us to approach our questions and past experiences in a measured way, meaning we can process them rather than suppress them.

Helpful Links

The Mind and Soul Team

What is Bipolar?

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

Within popular culture, bipolar disorder is often glamourised. We usually see it portrayed as a condition that is associated with creativity, energy and fun; the challenges associated with it are often overlooked.

Previously referred to as manic depression, bipolar disorder is a mood disorder that is defined by the presence of depressive episodes and manic states. Mania occurs when there is a persistent elevation of the mood, usually for at least 7 consecutive days. Alongside this, there are other characteristic symptoms, including excessive spending, rapid speech, increased energy levels, a decreased need for sleep and grandiose thoughts.

Manic symptoms can also include delusional beliefs, which themselves may touch on religious themes. This does not mean that the presence of a strong faith is a sign of bipolar disorder, but rather that existing beliefs may become exaggerated, or there is a preoccupation around certain themes. In some instances, certain beliefs become deeply entrenched and resistant to any form of challenge. Understandably, this can be very invalidating for some Christians and requires a sensitive and empathic approach amongst family, friends and members of one's church community.

Whilst manic symptoms can seem to be harmless and people who are ‘high’ can be very pleasant and fun to be around, mania can cause people to take risks they would not normally take and engage in embarrassing behaviour.  Within a Christian context, it is important to contextualise any such behaviour and refrain from judgment. 

Core Symptoms

Much of the focus tends to be on manic states, but more time is typically spent in depression with this condition and the depressive episodes can be debilitating and dispiriting. The core symptoms are essentially the same ones that occur within a classic (unipolar) depressive episode e.g.the persistent suppression of one's mood, low energy levels, an inability to enjoy previously pleasurable activities, poor concentration and reduced appetite. It is typically within this context that people may experience thoughts that life is not worth living. The depressive episodes can last for weeks or months. 

Having mood swings does not constitute the presence of bipolar disorder. There is a specific pattern that occurs within bipolar disorder, best recognised by a suitably qualified mental health professional who can make the diagnosis, rather than Dr Google! 

Most mental health conditions can be thought as occurring in the context of biological, psychological and social factors. Bipolar disorder is strongly considered to be very much at the biological end of the spectrum and is known to occur more commonly in families in which there is already a person with an established diagnosis. This strongly indicates that genetic factors play a significant role in whether somebody experiences bipolar in their lifetime. It most commonly begins in mid-20s. Further episodes may be brought on by periods of significant stress or a lack of sleep.

The frequency with which episodes occur varies significantly from person to person. However, in most cases medication is required on a long-term basis to reduce the intensity and the frequency of episodes. In some cases, it is not possible to completely eliminate the presence of depressive or manic episodes, but to try and gain better control on the symptoms. 

As with any other chronic condition, these hard facts can be difficult to swallow, particularly in the realms of unanswered prayer and healing ministry.

The fluctuations from depression to mania and back again can leave people broken hearted, frustrated and questioning God. Bipolar disorder strikes at the heart of our theology concerning mental illness. 

Bipolar disorder is a condition that requires specialist assessment and treatment. If you are concerned that you or a loved one might be exhibiting symptoms of bipolar disorder, you should encourage them to contact their GP. Spiritual support can be of huge value and help to reduce the stigma associated with this condition, but must be regarded as a compliment rather than an alternative to medical intervention. 

Further information on bipolar disorder:
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/bipolar-disorder/about-bipolar-disorder/  
https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/bipolar-disorder 
 

Chi-Chi Obuaya, 29/04/2022

Dr Chi-Chi Obuaya is a Consultant Psychiatrist working in the NHS and in independent practice, as well as a Mind & Soul Foundation Director

Faith is a Process

“Welcome Mrs Davies, please take a seat and I will find your file on our system”

I sat there, my pulse rate increasing as the lady laid out what the government had planned for my life. Apparently, since my son had now turned three years old, I would be required to work sixteen hours per week. My husband was studying for an MSc six days a week and there were no other friends or family who could help.

“So, the government wants me to work for sixteen hours so that I can access the ‘free’ childcare scheme? Wouldn’t it be more cost-effective if I was permitted to care for my own son?”

“I do understand your perspective but I can only operate within the existing system”

I couldn’t stay much longer. The sweat and heart palpitations had morphed into tears and were threatening to do a quick exit. I thanked her, crossed the street, walked into Tesco, located the bathroom, found an empty cubicle, locked the door, and burst into tears.

”God, You led us to Home Educate our children, so why are You now forcing me to change the plan?”

***

The follow-up meeting at my local Job Centre was better - I had probably gone overboard with my Job Seekers' homework.

The one thing in my favour, despite the personal stress… was that our landlord told us he was selling the house; the beloved bungalow where we had spent the second lockdown, where my son had taken his first steps and spoke his first words, where my daughter had multiple playdates and parties.

“What is God doing? What are we doing wrong? I thought He said we would buy property, I thought He asked us to move here, I thought He asked us to Home Educate? All we do is try to do the right, best thing, we gave Him our twenties and thirties to be missionaries, so why is this all happening?”

This was the rant that Simon heard a little too often. Maybe it was a mixture of confusion, disappointment, feeling let down and fatigue that made these questions swirl around in my head, non-stop. I would fall asleep at night repeating “I do believe, forgive my unbelief”.

***

The summer of 2023 was insane. Simon had just graduated with his MSc in Counselling, with Distinction, but was unemployed because of his lack of experience. I was looking for work, but I didn’t know where we would be living. We were using all of our time and energy to pack up the house, search for rentals and make epic memories with our children.

We were exhausted.

I think it was Simon who finally stumbled across the information, which stated that being a student could count as sixteen hours of work. I was overjoyed and began looking at courses. The best course provider seemed to be the Open University, since it had the flexibility that would allow me to Home Educate both of my gorgeous children. I told a few friends about my idea to study and, to my astonishment, they both assumed that I would do Creative Writing.

They seemed so confident in my abilities and I sensed God’s hand highlighting this option. People had always told me I was a talented writer and I had accepted their compliment as being kind, but took them with a pinch of salt. My biggest fear was that the MA would expose me as a terrible writer. But I had no time to dwell on anything. I filled in the forms, sent them away and received an acceptance letter. I had to pack up an entire house, set up a new one and support my children through this emotional process. Then I could think about my studies.

***

Once established in our new rental, I looked at my course module information. I was required to select what type of Creative Writing I wanted to focus on. I had no idea! But Simon, suggested I focus on Creative Nonfiction (true stories, well told).

To be honest, even whilst doing my first assignment, I wasn’t certain what Creative Nonfiction was and my tutor had bluntly stated that “It is very difficult to obtain a Distinction so don’t focus on the grade, just focus on writing to the best of your abilities”.

My first assignment was about Intuitive Eating, an anti-diet approach to eating. I used it as an opportunity to raise awareness about this philosophy and to describe what my Eating Disorders had been like. I suppose it was a montage of my journey from Eating Disorders to being healed and whole. They awarded me a Distinction. But I still didn’t believe that I was an excellent writer; imposter syndrome (fear of being exposed as a fraud) deluded me and only after multiple Distinction results did I believe in myself and took myself seriously as a writer…

“Simon. This is what I was born to do. My whole life I have been searching for what I can be good at, trying to discover my gifts. This is it. Writing. I can’t believe that I am forty years old and only discovering this now. And isn’t God good? He provided a house with a study; He provided an option where I could still Home Educate the kids; He provided a university where I didn’t need to commute to campus - my course didn’t even have lectures, I could do it all as and when I could. And, I am really good at it. So good that my tutor has suggested I do a PhD. And there are loads of Home Educating families here, way more opportunities for the kids and tons of kids on the street that our children can play with. I know we can’t buy a house just yet, but He will provide!”