“When we show ‘shame’ the door and speak up about what life can actually be like, we leave that door open for others to bravely consider seeking support for themselves.”
I’ve spent years supporting other people with their mental health, and had always felt a great pride in them for reaching out and asking for support; however it felt quite different when I found myself in that place.
I had plodded through life pretty well, absorbing the ‘normal’ knocks that you get over time as life runs its course, however one particular event shook me and knocked me for six. Although I could definitely keep going in life, I knew I wasn’t living life to its fullest, and my relationship with God felt really shaky… and I wanted something more! Shame held me back from asking for support… I had managed to suppress many other life events that were painful and distressing, so I knew I could do the same with this one… but it simply felt too heavy.
Asking for help, admitting to myself and someone else that I was hurting felt really difficult… I felt a failure, like I should have been able to put into practice the things I knew would help. But in that place of shame and pain, God felt so distant and although I knew He was still there, and I could still hear Him… it wasn’t enough.
I had no particularly ‘unhealthy’ coping mechanisms per se, but the ones that I had, had isolated and limited me. I don’t believe that was what God had planned for my life. I wrestled with God… ‘Was He actually kind and filled with grace and mercy?’… because some of those events in my life that had caused pain, also caused confusion and made me question many of the things I had truly believed. That was a really painful place to be in. It didn’t feel acceptable by the Christian world standards that I thought I knew…and it felt really scary to be teetering on top of everything I had built my life upon…because if I learnt that He wasn’t who I thought He was - I wasn’t sure how I would carry on.
Doing the Freedom course has allowed me to be vulnerably raw in sharing my life experiences, my pain, my confusion, my heartaches, my doubts and my thoughts in a safe and honouring space.
It has allowed me to have someone walk alongside me as I bravely ask those things of God, as I explore the things holding me back, the things I have believed, things I hadn’t particularly realised had a hold on me, and my super big life questions. Having someone to walk alongside me and invite and usher me into a closer place with God was just what I needed. They have never tried to give me an answer. But they have allowed me a place of safety to go to the one that does hold the answers.
They have sat with me in my tears, and rejoiced with me in the victories .. and that is priceless. They have walked me through tools that have allowed me to see things that only He saw, and to receive the answers and comfort from Him. Receiving those things from a human would never have fully been enough .. it’s completely on another level receiving it from God.
Being a Christian of many years, and working in ministry … AND feeling that things in my life weren’t quite right, struggling in my head with overwhelming feelings and thoughts was a really challenging one for me… but I strongly believe that when we show ‘shame’ the door and speak up about what life can actually be like, we leave that door open for others to bravely consider seeking support for themselves. I honestly believe that God welcomes our questions and doubts …there’s no feeling of judgement with Him, it’s simply an invitation to draw closer.
By Louise